Jim Mullen

I Brake for Cars

I parked next to an SUV yesterday that was so big I could have parked my car, a smaller SUV, inside of it. With plenty of room left over to seat four people comfortably. When I try to park in the Big Box parking lot, I’ll think I spot an empty space,…

In One Year and Out the Other

Have you made your New Year’s resolutions yet? Me neither. What’s the big rush? What’s the connection between New Year’s and resolutions, anyway? Why can’t we make resolutions on Memorial Day or July 4th? Unless you’ve made a New Year’s resolution to…

The Bottom 10 List

You know those Top 10 lists that crop up every year around this time? Forget those. Instead, here are the worst things about 2019 -- from “awful” at number 91 through “somehow even worse” at number 100. You might call it the Bottom 10 List. 91.…

I’ve Got a Secret ... Maybe

I often hear retired people say, “I’ve never been busier. I don’t know where all the time goes.” Well, I know where it goes: It goes to the doctor’s office. I’m in good health, and checkups and tests still take up a good part of my week. It’s cutting…

News From the Fergusons

EDITORS: This is an updated version of a Jim Mullen favorite.) Dear Friends and Family, Well, it’s that time of year again! We Fergusons have had a great year. Here are a few of our highlights. As you can see from the enclosed family photo, Bob lost…

The True Meaning of Christmas TV Specials

’Tis the season for Christmas television specials. What better way to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus than by watching “A WWE Christmas Smackdown”? What could possibly say “Peace on Earth, good will to men” more than a special called “Katy…

Babes in Toyland

If you know anything about children and cats, you know they are one thing: fastidious. When you put a child in the ball pit at the local fast-food restaurant, you can bet that every ball will be licked clean and ready for the next child to play with.…

I Should Have Joined a Mental Health Club

There are all kinds of people at my health club who use canes and walkers and crutches to get around; all kinds of people who wear braces and slings. Many members are overweight, and some are so skinny their Spandex sags. Some have beer bellies and…

Cutting the Cord

Like many people, I was fed up with paying a monthly cable bill for 200 channels that I will never watch. If I made a list of all the hit shows I have never seen -- all the cage-fighting tournaments I have never watched, all the shopping channels…

The No-Pressure Thanksgiving

After decades of doing the same old thing, I’ve decided to host an Alternative Thanksgiving this year. I’ve sat through too many turkey-and-stuffing dinners to count, and many of them weren’t all that much fun: family squabbles, kitchen disasters,…

UFOs: Unidentified Fridge Objects

“What is this?” I was looking for some celery in the vegetable drawer. What I found looked like a dead green octopus. There were other things in there that used to be vegetables, but were now composting at an alarming rate. Is cauliflower…

There IS Joy in Mudville

When the baseball playoffs really get going, Sue will sometimes watch four games in one day. If I watch with her, I am not allowed to speak, because that would spoil the spell. During the regular season, she will only watch her team -- the Yankees --…

The Village Idiot For October 04, 2019

What movie fan hasn’t wanted the chance to review movies? Most of us have disagreed with a movie critic at least a time or two. He called it “formulaic,” but you loved it. She said it was wonderful, and you thought it was like watching paint dry.…

The Village Idiot For September 27, 2019

I just made Japanese-style chicken from a recipe I found online. I printed out a list of ingredients and headed for the grocery store, because for some reason, I couldn’t find anything called mirin in my fridge. Or sesame seeds, or scallions, or a…

The Village Idiot For September 20, 2019

Aristotle once wrote that women have fewer teeth than men. For years, that was held up as proof that one of the smartest men who ever lived was actually an idiot. “Why,” people wonder, “didn’t he just look into a woman’s mouth?” OK, let’s say he did.…

The Village Idiot

She’s 18 and has half a zillion followers on Instagram. Her posts are full of great pearls of wisdom like, “Somedays I feel pretty and somedays I don’t.” That bit of knowledge should be good for a few million likes and a couple of thousand comments.…

Home Ick

It seems to be taking an awfully long time to remodel the guest bathroom, but that’s partly my fault. Apparently you can’t just put a shower anywhere you want, because they have to move the pipes. And moving the pipes is very expensive. But what’s…

Which Ones Are Really the ‘Bad’ Neighborhoods?

I visited Malta last year. You may have heard of their falcon. Malta is a country on three small islands between Sicily and Africa, almost dead-center in the Mediterranean. It’s about the size of Staten Island, but it’s an independent country and a…

How Things Have Changed

In almost all public men’s restrooms -- airports, truck stops, stadiums, convenience stores -- there are now diaper-changing stations. Because dads are certainly just as capable of changing diapers as moms. The thing is, I’ve never seen anyone use…

I’m Driving Me Crazy

I can’t wait to get a self-driving car. I know most people hate the idea; they want to drive themselves. But I have never been a very good driver. I’ve never been in an accident, but it’s finally dawning on me how many of my friends volunteer to…