Premier League elite announces assault on the Premier League eliteManchester, England — In the wake of winning their fourth Premier League in a row, perennial underdogs Manchester City announced their intention wage war on the footballing elite. As revealed by The Telegraph, City contest the Premier League’s Fair… Jun 04 24June 04, 2024Article at The Onion Bag
New Football Manager feature allows players to become a pawn in nation state’s shameless attempts at sportswashingLondon, England — In an exciting move for the beloved Football Manager franchise, the game’s developer, Sports Interactive, have announced the introduction of a “Sell My Soul” feature. “Every year we strive for more immersive gameplay features,” said… Apr 10 24April 10, 2024Article at The Onion Bag
God tells praying Everton fan that he’s good, but not that goodMerseyside, Liverpool — Local Everton fan, Malcolm Franklin, 56, was told by the Almighty himself that while he would see what he could do about Franklin’s recent health problems, he could not promise the same about turning around the fortunes of… Apr 10 24April 10, 2024Article at The Onion Bag
Álvaro Morata on standby to be Europe’s de-facto fourth-choice striker target this summerMadrid, Spain — As the leagues across Europe begin to enter the final weeks of the season, clubs are beginning to prepare for the highly-anticipated summer transfer window, with a striker thought to be at the top of most club’s wishlists. With… Mar 27 24March 27, 2024Article at The Onion Bag
Opinion: FFP and PSR rules should only be for clubs I don’t likeNottingham, England — David Osborne, a welder from Nottingham, spoke to reporters on Tuesday morning regarding the current spate of PSR issues affecting Nottingham Forest. “I don’t really get it. The financial rules exist for the super-wealthy, not… Mar 26 24March 26, 2024Article at The Onion Bag
Mike Dean decides not to send player off to save himself the bother of paperworkMike Dean decides not to send player off to save himself the bother of paperwork The Onion Bag · Follow 2 min read · Aug 25, 2023 London, England — In an podcast with former-Crystal Palace owner Simon Jordan, ex-referee Mike Dean has revealed that he… Aug 25 23August 25, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Charlie Kane exhausted after two weeks of work in five yearsHaringey, London — Following Harry Kane’s £103m move from Tottenham Hotspur to Bayern Munich, football agent Charlie Kane can finally relax after two weeks of marginally stressful work. Kane, agent to his brother Harry, was faced with a tough… Aug 12 23August 12, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Barcelona determined to use recent transfer windfall to sign the worst fucking players you’ve ever heard ofBarcelona, Spain — Following the €50m sale of French winger Ousmane Dembélé to Paris Saint-Germain (PSG), Barcelona can now enter into the decisive phase of buying the worst players you could possibly imagine. “Our transfer business has been somewhat… Aug 12 23August 12, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Fairytale of local club being brought out by filthy rich American movie stars continuesThe improbable underdog story of Wrexham continues against all odds. Armed with local community spirit, a 10,771 seater stadium, filthy rich owners and a documentary commissioned by literally one the biggest media companies and streaming platforms in… Aug 09 23August 09, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Manchester City forced to console themselves with only winning the quadruple, following Community Shield lossWembley, London — Following their unfortunate defeat to Arsenal in the Premier League’s traditional curtain-raiser, the FA Community Shield, Manchester City boss Pep Guardiola was forced to resign himself to the fact that City can now only win the… Aug 07 23August 07, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Fan whose team just lost consoles themselves with the fact that his team probably wouldn’t celebrate quite that ostentatiouslyBirmingham, West Midlands — Watching glumly as his team trudged off the field following defeat at the weekend, Mark Ball, 32, consoles himself with the fact that his team probably wouldn’t have celebrated victory quite as ostentatiously as the… Aug 06 23August 06, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Arsenal fan waiting on outcome of Community Shield match before deciding if it’s worthwhile or not.Wembley, London — As thousands of fans gathered outside the monolithic structure that is Wembley Stadium, Joseph Franklin, 28, decided that he, along with many of his friendship group, were waiting for the outcome of the team’s Community Shield match… Aug 06 23August 06, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Six-A-Side team all suddenly available after best player’s holiday is cancelledBury St. Edmunds, Suffolk — Craig Finnemore, captain of six-a-side team Boys in Dahoud, was stunned to see a sudden upsurge in volunteers for the team’s upcoming fixture against Bury’s Most Wanted, after the team’s best player Phillip Lynch was… Jul 22 23July 22, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
New Arsenal away kit considered to be war crime by International Criminal CourtThe Hague, Netherlands — The International Criminal Court (ICC) announced on Tuesday that the new Arsenal third kit is to be considered a war crime under the International Criminal Court Act of 2001. “This is an affront to international peace,” said… Jul 18 23July 18, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Hope, desire, funding from a gulf state and 115 separate charges for financial doping: Manchester City, the little train that couldİstanbul, Turkey — As İlkay Gündoğan lifted the UEFA Champions League trophy into the air, many were left to wonder what miracle Manchester City must have invoked to complete their true underdog story to win the UEFA Champions League for the first… Jun 10 23June 10, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
There definitely were other shirt sponsors Newcastle looked atTyneside, Newcastle — As the ink was drying on Newcastle’s new “multi-year” shirt sponsorship deal with Saudia Arabian event management company Sela. “Oh, there were definitely other companies we looked at” said Newcastle CEO, Darren Eales, to… Jun 09 23June 09, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Liverpool fan has perfect hit-rate for reminding rivals of team’s historic European successMerseyside, Liverpool — Facing ridicule from her friend group over Liverpool’s failure to qualify for next season’s UEFA Champions League, local woman Sharon MacKenzie, 26, wasted no time in reminding her friends just how many European trophies… Jun 07 23June 07, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Norwich City set to announce record profits as Manchester United lose FA Cup finalNorwich, Norfolk — Championship side Norwich City announced club record-breaking profits for the 2022/23 season owing to the influx of purchases from Manchester United fans. “Honestly, I had no idea that the FA Cup would see such an upturn for us,”… Jun 07 23June 07, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Javier Tebas decides to not give interviewMadrid, Spain — La Liga president Javier Tebas today stunned the football world by refusing to make himself available for interview. “We’re honestly as surprised as you are” said a La Liga insider, who wished to remain anonymous in order to protect… May 23 23May 23, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
Fabrizio Romano gearing up for summer of destroying all enjoyment for any potential transfer your team might makeFabrizio Romano gearing up for summer of destroying all enjoyment for any potential transfer your team might make The Onion Bag · Follow 2 min read · May 22, 2023 Naples, Italy — Famous football journalist and self-proclaimed Watford fan Fabrizio… May 22 23May 22, 2023Article at The Onion Bag
