“I wake before dawn to coordinate with my vast network of parental co-conspirators. Our agenda this morning is straight fire, as the youth would say, beginni...

In these uncertain times, you need a steady hand at the wheel. An unblinking beacon of sure-footed decisiveness. A fearless, damn-the-torpedoes lea...

1. Pearl Jam1 2. Old Lady Curtains2 3. Blind Melon3 4. Alice in Chains4 5. Judge Judy in a Bathrobe5 6. Garbage6 7. Smashing Pumpkins7 8. Toad the ...

You don’t have to take off your shoes anymore, unless you want to. If you’ve realized that the pair you chose is terrible, you can still put them i...

Are you looking for sweet, melty chocolate that makes you feel comforted—or are you a fucking adult? Are you grown up enough to appreciate that eve...

As our guest, please feel free to help yourself to anything. I didn’t run to the store before your arrival, because as you can see, my pantry is ov...

Honey, before you race out the door, don’t forget your backpack and your lunch and your— Wait. Hold on a second. Back yourself right back in here. ...

To determine whether your body will fit our pants, please use this sizing guide. Our pants are measured in cubits. The cubit is a unit of measureme...

Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any spac...

Dear Parent, This is an automatically generated message. A sweep of our camp registration system indicates we’re missing information we need in order to welcome your camper. The due date for this information has passed, and if we don’t receive it by…

This Agreement is entered into between You, a Person Who Enjoys In-Person Entertainment (hereinafter “Fan”), and Me, an Introvert Who Avoids Crowds, Noise, and Congregated Delight (“Non-fan”), as a condition of Non-Fan’s attendance at a Live Musical…

Stop yelling at me. I don’t know why I’m plowing into this corner either, but the harder I push this toggle-pusher thingy, the harder it pushes back. Also: why are there four screens? It’s hard for me to tell what I’m looking at. Oh, that’s all of…

I know it’s before six on Saturday morning. I know your eyes are too crusted shut to look at this stinky piece of cardstock I’m shoving in front of your face. But today is Persimmon’s birthday party. I found this invitation among coffee grounds and…

It can be challenging to raise children with someone who insists you have no role in raising children. Yes, those children are your siblings, and you yourself are a child, and your co-parent is someone who has successfully cleaned your butt on…

You’ve been on the lookout for a cardigan in a color that’s less edgy than “fawn” or “heather oatmeal.” You recently traded your favorite slingbacks for a pair of Dansko clogs recommended by your podiatrist. You have a podiatrist. Invisibility seemed…

1. After last year’s big job, you swore you were done. You were hanging it all up and storing that stuff in a closet. Nothing flashy for you. Not anymore. 2. And yet here you are, nursing a headache, listening to a young upstart telling you how this…

I hear you down there, Mr. Snarky-Pope, and all your red-robed Snarkettes, too. The acoustics in this place are incredible, so don’t think your tittering whisper-fest isn’t reaching me up here on this scaffold—130 feet closer to Heaven than you are,…

I’m so glad I ran into you over the last box of nut-free granola clusters. No, please, you go ahead and take it—I’ll make some from scratch at home later. It’s for the snack table at my Emotional Labor Day Barbecue. Please come. There’s absolutely…

I know it’s a billion degrees outside. I know we’re all nursing gnarly cases of swamp crotch from the wet swimsuits we keep wearing because I never stop screaming about going to the pool. But even so, I thought I’d tiptoe in here to check on my…

“How many people do you think I am? Pretend I am somebody else. You can pretend I’m an old millionaire.”1 “Where is my beautiful house?”2 “We caught a rattlesnake. Now we got something for dinner!”3 “Your thumb is a bone with a bump on it. Bump bump…