For Sale by Owner: Four-bedroom, two-bath house.

Facts and Features:

Type: Single Family, and although one might consider that description wonderfully oxymoronic, it’s totally possible to feel single in this house whether or not you’re living with others.

Price: Money, money, money, all you ever talk about is money, and although money can’t buy happiness it can buy this house.

Age: Actually is more than a number, as evidenced by the two grey hairs that recently sprouted from my left nostril.

Heating: Frequently overheated.

Cooling: Icy when not overheated.

Parking: Attached garage, two-car tandem, but the car parked in the frontmost spot is rarely moved, making it hard for the one behind it to back out or fully open its trunk or for the person driving it to stand up without hitting her head on the garage door and this is one of the many reasons why the house overheats in the first place.

Lot: 3890 sq. ft., but not well watered like the plains of Jordan where the actual Lot lived upon the much bigger acreage onto which God ultimately rained sulfur and fire, sparing Lot but not his pillar-of-salt wife, and why does the wife always have to suffer?

Interior Details: 4 Bedrooms: 2 former occupants of which grew up in, trashed, then left behind the detritus of their elementary and high school lives so that the remaining occupants consider them barely habitable and excruciatingly poignant.

Bathrooms: 2.5, and thank god for that extra half-bath because the four people formerly using three of the bedrooms did not share the two full bathrooms very graciously.

Flooring: Definitely not solid.

Appliances Included: Dishwasher, Light Saber, Refrigerator, Dance Dance Revolution, Microwave, Bong, Cooktop, Game Boy, Washer/Dryer, Tamigotchi, and Central Vacuum (which both nature and we abhor).

Other Interior Features:

Total livable area: 2,736 sq. ft., give or take 1500 sq. ft., including but not limited to the two trashed bedrooms which, if you credit Robert Sapolsky, will be calming to restore because cleanliness and orderliness liberate us from cognitive and emotional distress.

Double-hung windows: In the purest sense since we hung and rehung them in a futile effort to make them shut.

Working fireplaces: In dining and living rooms, but keep the double-hung windows open at all times during use because where there’s smoke there’s fire.

Stories: You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.

Laundry room: Of course, but.

Dirty Laundry: As indicated above.

Other Property Information:

Parcel number: #$!@!%#:-(((((((

Roof: Yes

Foundation: Clinique

Style: Free

Contact: Just shout into the void; I guarantee we’ll hear you.

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