Football journalists love to come up with puns to grace the back pages of their newspapers. The British tabloids excel at it, often writing everything from genius-level wordsmithery to hilarious, smutty comments and brutal takedowns and jingoistic rhetoric that only the Brits could get away with. Today, we run down the 12 funniest footballing headlines of all time… and be warned, there are some naughty swear words like fuck and wank.
SEAMAN SINKS ARMADA
As England hosted the 1996 Euros, they faced Spain in the quarter-final. The snoozefest finished 0-0 and went to penalties. English left-back and warrior Stuart “Psycho” Pearce famously redeemed himself by scoring a penalty after his 1990 miss, and goalkeeper David Seaman also saved a penalty from Miguel Ángel Nadal, giving England a semi! Playing on the fact that the English defeated the Spanish Armada in 1588, The Observer ran with the three-word headline: SEAMAN SINKS ARMADA.
The same Euros, I swear I remember commentators uttering the lines “I’ve never seen Seaman coming out of his box before,” and “De Kock lobs Seaman from the halfway line.”
ACHTUNG! SURRENDER!
The morning after Stuart Pearce and David Seaman’s heroics set up England’s 1996 Euro semi-final with Germany, the Daily Mirror published the headline: ACHTUNG! SURRENDER! The byline continued in an even more jingoistic manner: "For you, Fritz, ze Euro 96 Championship is over!" Can you guess which ‘journalist’ wrote the headline?
That’s right, it was then-Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan. Who else?! Germany won 7-6 on penalties, with future England manager Gareth Southgate missing his penalty to take on Pearce’s crown.
THESE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS
Unusually, the 1950 WC didn’t have a final; the winner was determined by a final group stage, where four teams - Brazil, Uruguay, Spain and Sweden - played in a round-robin format. Spain and Sweden couldn’t win, and Brazil only needed a draw against rivals Uruguay to lift the trophy. On the morning of July 16th 1950, the early edition of Rio de Janeiro’s newspaper O Mundo published a photo of the Brazilian side due to face Uruguay in the World Cup Final, along with the headline: THESE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS. Jules Rimet even wrote a congratulatory speech.
Two hundred thousand fans packed into the Maracanã Stadium like sardines witnessed Friaça’s goal take the lead for Brazil shortly after half-time. But then, Juan Alberto Schiaffino equalised midway through the second half, and Alcides Ghiggia completed the unlikely comeback for the underdogs with 11 minutes remaining.
CRUYFF, CHAMPAGNE, NAKED GIRLS, & A COOL POOL
Terrified that the Netherlands might beat the hosts in the 1974 World Cup Final, West German newspaper Bild-Zeitung brilliantly bullied the opposition with a trademark tabloid sting or should we say a psy-ops campaign that the Stasi would be proud of.
The headline was based on an entirely unsubstantiated rumour that the Dutch players had frolicked with local women in a hotel pool. The psychological warfare tactic worked, as Johan Cruyff allegedly spent hours on the phone the night before the final telling his wife the story was false.
HARKES TO SIGN FOR SHEFFIELD, WEDNESDAY
In 1990, Albany Capitals midfielder John Harkes became the first-ever American player to play in the English Premier League, although at the time, it was still called the First Division. The New York Post announced Harkes' signing for Sheffield Wednesday with the headline HARKES TO SIGN FOR SHEFFIELD, WEDNESDAY. To this day, no one knows if it was an intentional pun or a genuine mistake.
MILAN NON TAGLIALATELA
When it comes to brutal takedowns, Italian newspapers can be just as savage as their British counterparts. In 1995, Napoli's goalkeeper Giuseppe Taglialatela denied the great AC Milan side of the 90s with a man-of-the-match performance. Milan-published newspaper Corrierre Della Serra ran with the headline MILAN NON TAGLIALATELA. Not only does it refer to Giuseppe Taglialatela’s performance, but 'Non taglia la tela' is an Italian phrase which means 'can't cut the cloth'.
ROONEY MARK 2 MAY INVOKE IRISH GRANNY RULE
In 2008, the Republic of Ireland considered calling 17-year-old Macclesfield midfielder John Rooney, the younger brother of Wayne Rooney, up to their under-17s squad. This was because the two footballing brothers have an Irish-born grandmother, meaning John (and Wayne) could legally play for the Republic of Ireland. One newspaper ran with ROONEY MARK TWO MAY INVOKE IRISH GRANNY RULE. The headline referred to Wayne admitting to having “sex with a granny” after he was caught on CCTV visiting a backstreet brothel.
SWEDES 2 TURNIPS 1
England had a disastrous Euro 1992 under clueless manager/tracksuited high school sports coach Graham Taylor. With talismanic Paul Gascoigne injured and Taylor unfathomably leaving Ian Wright at home, the Three Lions were sent packing, losing 2-1 to hosts Sweden in the final group game. And that's when the turnip analogies started blooming...
England’s tabloids are notoriously brutal, and Graham Taylor woke up the next day to find his face superimposed onto a turnip alongside the headline SWEDES 2 TURNIPS 1 plastered onto the front page of The Sun.
SUPER CALLEY GO BALLISTIC, CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS
The year is 2000. A mighty Glasgow Celtic side featuring John Barnes lose at home 3-1 to purple-clad minnows Inverness Caledonian Thistle in the Scottish Cup. The next day, the Scottish Sun newspaper printed one of the best headlines in football history: SUPER CALLEY GO BALLISTIC, CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS.
If you don’t get it, this wonderful wordsmithery is a play on Disney’s Mary Poppins’ song SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!
FUCKS OFF TO BENFICA
The following year, journeyman Brazilian defender Argelico Fucks controversially moved to Lisbon’s Benfica, having left their sworn rivals Porto just a year earlier. To make matters worse, he later declared that Porto were his sworn enemies! Those cheeky chappies over at Eurosport.com published the wonderful headline FUCKS OFF TO BENFICA. No wonder he officially changed his name to Argelico Fuchs in 2020!
YOUNG BOYS WANKDORF ERECTION RELIEF
In 2005, the unfortunately named Swiss club BSC Young Boys moved from their temporary home, the Neufeldstadion, into a new home, the equally badly named Wankdorf Stadium in the Alpine nation’s capital city, Bern. It’s a perfectly normal Swiss place-name, but one that English football fans find funny.
Soccernet ran with the headline YOUNG BOYS WANKDORF ERECTION RELIEF. Nowadays, that headline would land its author on the sex offenders register!
AVON & SOMERSET POLICE TWEET
And finally, not a newspaper headline, but a tweet. In 2017, Bristol Rovers' star striker Matty Taylor ‘accidentally’ leaked details of his £300,000 release to his team’s arch-enemy, Bristol City. The Robins offered The Gas the exact same amount, and Matty became the first player to move directly from Rovers to City since Trevor Morgan in 1987.
Rovers fans (Gasheads) branded Taylor a Judas and gave him the nickname “The Snake.” Hours after he moved the five miles from Rovers’ Memorial Ground to City’s Ashton Gate, Avon and Somerset Police tweeted for the public to be on the lookout for a poisonous snake in the South Bristol area near Ashton Gate. Brilliant banter from Bristol's boys in blue (and white!)