I often describe myself as a flawed human being. I have never had a problem saying it aloud.
What I do not say often enough is that I think we are all flawed. Perhaps I have become more cautious with words because I know how easily they can land in ways we never intended. However, in the spirit of being honest as we embark on this series, I think it is important to remind ourselves that being human means being flawed. We all make mistakes. We hurt people, sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly. We are hurt by others. We disappoint ourselves. We disappoint one another. We learn, we grow, and sometimes we repeat the very mistakes we thought we had left behind.
Yes, we are flawed. But we also have the capacity to be remarkable.
Recently, I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the people who have hurt me, the people I have hurt, the people I have supported, and the people who have helped me heal. I have also reflected on conflicts I have been part of, not only as a scholar or practitioner but also as a human being. In doing so, I have been forced to revisit moments in my own life that I thought I had already understood, only to discover there was still more to learn.
I have been reminded that conflict is rarely about having the perfect response or the perfect ending. It is about the process of working through conflict with the courage to ask better questions, especially of ourselves. That is why I created the What Can I Do? series. Not because I have all the answers. Quite the opposite. I wrote it because I need to go through a process of reflection as much as anyone else. This series is an invitation to think with me, not simply to decide whether you agree or disagree.
I am looking for a conversation.
I chose to begin with words because that is where so many conflicts begin. A word said in passing. A phrase that lands differently than intended. A name used without permission. A label applied too quickly. Words carry histories we did not write and wounds we did not intend. They can divide us, but they can also heal us. Their meaning depends not only on the words themselves but on history, identity, relationships, and context.
There is also a personal reason why I wanted to start with words. I grew up moving between languages and communities, and as a brown immigrant woman, I have learned, sometimes painfully, that the same word can mean entirely different things depending on who says it, to whom, and in what room.
What to Expect This Month
There is a theme: When a word or phrase hurts. Under this theme, I explore three perspectives as detailed below, and each perspective follows a simple framework:
Name · Reflect · Act
Wednesday, July 8 — Perspective 1: When I was hurt by a word or phrase someone used
Wednesday, July 15 — Perspective 2: When I caused hurt by a word or phrase I used
Wednesday, July 22 — Perspective 3: When I witnessed someone hurt by a word or phrase
Why three perspectives? Because conflict rarely looks the same to everyone involved. The person who was hurt, the person who caused the hurt, and the person who witnessed it often leave the same moment with entirely different understandings of what happened. My hope is that by exploring each perspective separately, we become less certain of our first reactions and more curious about what we may have missed.
On Wednesday, July 29, I will close the month with an end-of-the-month reflection, sharing my own thoughts after sitting with this theme for four weeks and reflecting on what I have learned from you along the way.
Before you read the first perspective that I will publish next week, I encourage you to spend five minutes with the series introduction. It explains why every theme is explored from multiple perspectives, why I use the Name · Reflect · Act framework, and why I believe conflict transformation begins with the individual before it reaches institutions or systems. I think it will help you get much more out of the series. You will find it here.
I hope you will share your reflections and experiences as the month unfolds. My own thinking has always been shaped by listening to others, and I look forward to continuing that conversation here.
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If this conversation resonates with you, you can also find me on Medium (@pushpa.iyer), where I write the monthly series Beyond Either/Or exploring conflict, complexity, and thinking beyond binaries.