When you're lost despite knowing exactly where you are
Hey everyone! It’s been a WHILE. I appreciate everyone who has reached out to check on me. I’m here and glad to be back.
Since I’m always trying to be honest, I just haven’t felt worthy of sharing anything with the world lately. Shame, embarrassment and exhaustion do that to a person.
But, hiding is not honesty. So, I’m going to try to get back to sharing with you all. It may not be helpful tips or advice. Mostly, I’m going to lean into sharing the hard stuff I’m going through right now.
So, here’s a little something I got out of my brain this evening that I wanted to share. If you’re feeling stuck or lost, just know you’re not alone!
~Marie
How can someone be lost when she’s returned to somewhere she’s been before?
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I mean, it’s not the exact same place. Little details have changed. Hell, big things have shifted, too. But, it’s like when you’re traveling in circles when you’re lost somewhere.
“I KNOW I’ve seen that rock before. That tree looks familiar…”
Even when we stand still, the world continues to move and change around us. Nothing stays the same, no matter how much we wish for it or try to hold on to a moment.
Or, maybe you keep traveling back down a path that you want to avoid. That damn rock and tree keep popping up over and over. Is it following me? How do I keep coming down the same trail when I know this isn’t the way I want to go?
Lately, I know exactly where I am and I feel utterly lost.
I’ve gone down the familiar slippery slope of letting myself go. I see it in my face. Feel it in my body. My brain tries to outrun it, but it keeps going in circles of guilt, shame and frustration.
Even my focus has been hard to hold lately.
I’ve had days where I wonder how the hell I got here — not completely back where I was when I started this health journey, but far away from the progress I felt so good about a couple of years ago.
I see the breadcrumbs along the trail that lead me here:
COVID: from the lockdown and seeing my girls deal with the sadness of losing so many milestones, to the fear of getting sick and thinking we beat it, only to have it sneak up on us in early 2022—just as things were starting to feel “normal” again. I mostly recovered, but have never felt the same since, if I’m being honest with myself.
A few weeks later, I watched my dad go into heart failure during a visit to my parents, saw him carted away to the hospital, escorted into the ER to see him intubated. It was the beginning of a long, painful goodbye that would last more than a month.
Watching my daughters blossom and thrive into their adult lives. Even though it’s exactly what this mama wanted to see, when they leave the country or live on their own without you day to day, the shock sneaks up on you.
Injuries to my body, which I have pushed so hard to get healthy.
Pushing myself to complete a book proposal for a story I believe in, but wasn’t convinced I was qualified to share because, well, I’m still fat and don’t feel like a good example to anyone.
Looking for a fresh start in our empty nest and moving to what we thought was our dream home. That dream turned into a nightmare from which I wasn’t sure we’d ever wake. One day I will share that story, but I can truthfully say it’s been the anti-HGTV experience.
And, yet, despite all those breadcrumbs leading me toward understanding where I am and how I got here, I’m still a bit shocked and pissed that I’m back in this crappy place.
“I should have known better!”
That’s what keeps echoing in my brain.
I knew the path I was slowly wandering down and each time I tried to turn back, I wasn’t successful.
Now, after circling around for a good long while, I realize that I may be lost—but I have to keep moving to get away from the same freaking rock and tree I keep passing.
I know they’re not following me. I’m the one who keeps returning.
I don’t have a definitive map to assure me I won’t return to this place again in the future.
But, each time I pass it, at least I recognize it and know to keep moving in a different direction.
Thanks for reading A Whole Lotta Middle by Marie Rossiter! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.