The H-bean: — Photo: Brett Coomer, Houston Chronicle

From: Lisa Gray, Houston Chronicle

To: Kim Janssen, Chicago Tribune

Dear Kim:

Just to recap: Yesterday in the Chicago Tribune, you wrote a column with the headline "Unoriginal Houston gets its own bean sculpture.... whatever." You grumbled that the sculpture we've just installed – Anish Kapoor's "Cloud Column" – is basically a rip-off of Chicago's "Cloud Gate," better known as "The Bean." You wrote:

Installed Monday outside the Glassell School of Art, Houston's version of The Bean differs in one respect from Chicago's: the uptight Texas bean is designed to stand upright, not lie on its side like the chill Illinois bean.

If being surrounded by a cultureless abyss insufficiently communicates to confused tourists that they are in Houston, the bean's verticality will therefore act as an additional reminder of their poor life choices.

The Chi-bean: Chicago's skyline is Kapoor's — Photo: Tom Uhlenbrock, MBR

All of which made me snort. Yeah, it's true that we have a giant new shiny bean that stands upright. But Kim, did it occur to you that maybe we wanted it just because it's a cool thing? It's a piece of art, and works by the same artist often look similar. Our Calder looks kinda like other places' Calders.

It made me wonder: Is Chicago feeling defensive? How bad is it there, knowing that Houston is set to pass you in population, taking your spot as third-largest city in the U.S.? Are you feeling -- well, to steal someone's joke from Twitter – like a "has-bean"?

The H-bean, newly installed. Photo: Brett Coomer, Houston Chronicle / © 2018 Houston Chronicle — Photo: Brett Coomer, Houston Chronicle

Condolences,
Lisa

From: Kim Janssen, Chicago Tribune
To: Lisa Gray, Houston Chronicle

It's a leftover bean, a second-rate bean that's been lying around in storage for the better part of 20 years, because nobody else wanted it. Nobody except Houston wants a leftover, second-rate bean.

Are we feeling defensive? The president never has anything nice, or accurate, to say about us. Our state is broke, and people are leaving. Our landlord wants us out of the Tribune Tower by May. Yeah, we're defensive.

Chicago has spent the better part of its existence resenting New York and then Los Angeles. That is the natural order of things. The idea that a giant Texas suburb masquerading as a city may soon supplant us is galling.

But your bean... your bean is wack.

I suppose the next part is where you list all of Houston's cultural amenities and recent sports victories in an attempt to change my mind. But you won't. Your bean is inferior.

From: Lisa Gray, Team Houston

To: Kim Janssen, Team Chicago

Well, I could just talk about the weather here: Low today of 65 degrees, high of 78.

But let's talk beans. Our art critic, Molly Glentzer, tells me that our bean is actually the better bean — the original bean, the one made by hand, the one that reaches for the sky. Appropriate for its spot in the Museum of Fine Arts Houston's fast-growing complex — which is, as far as I can tell, the fastest-growing big art museum in the country.

The Chi-bean, with snow. Photo: Kiichiro Sato, AP

Growing fast: That's what we do. Yeah, we have a lot of houses with yards here — but we're adding highrises fast too. We're growing more urban, growing upward, reaching for the sky — like our bean.

Sorry to hear about Trib Tower. And sorry we clobbered the Bulls yesterday.

But hey, we've got room here. Ever check our real estate prices? Come on down. Sounds like you could use a change of scenery.

From: Kim Jannsen, deep dish

To: Lisa Gray, corn or flour?

If art were measured by the yard — and I can see the appeal, to a Texan — you might have a point.

One of the great things about the Chicago bean is that you can walk through it. Standing underneath the bean, children can see themselves reflected in a virtual hall of mirrors against Millennium Park and the beautiful Chicago skyline. It is a place of wonderment and laughter.

Even if a child could achieve the same effect with your bean, what would they see in the reflection? Houston. That's what they'd see.

As for sports, nobody denies you are entitled to your consolations. LeBron James plays basketball in Cleveland, and Green Bay regularly clobbers the Bears, but no serious adult would describe either place as a better place to live than Chicago.

When it comes to the weather, there are downsides to living in a swamp, I imagine. One of your colleagues sent me a news clip that described how our cold weather kills all our rats, so you can see that it serves a purpose.

If I wanted to live in a suburb, I'd move to Oak Park.

From: Lisa Gray, Bayou City

To: Kim Jannsen, Windy City

While I was out for lunch, I asked Brian Rausch, who came to the Houston Chronicle from the Chicago Tribune, to weigh in. He wrote:

If you'd spent time in Houston, you'd realize your comparison to the suburbs is misguided. No, we don't have pretentious suburbs like Oak Park and Evanston, filled with people who fled the crime and frozen, dead rats of Chicago. We have leafy neighborhoods -- Montrose, the Heights, River Oaks, Memorial Park, the Museum District – that fill our 38-mile inner loop with bungalows, Southern-style mansions with wrap-around porches, and shiny new condos.

Like you, I had misperceptions about Houston before I threw away my shovels and winter boots to move here two years ago. Now, fresh with a suntan from a beautiful March day playing in the waves and sand, I have a new perspective. I chose Houston and don't ever want to return to live in Chicago. It's a fine city three or four months of the year, and I might even return someday to visit. But every morning as I make my 6-mile commute that takes just 10 minutes, I'm thankful I live here.

It's time to bring this to a close. So let me come back to that image from your last note, Kim – the child looking at the Houston bean, and seeing Houston reflected back.

Here's the thing about that view. It wouldn't always have been great, but it's better now than it used to be. And it keeps getting better all the time.

It's a pleasure, living in a city like that.

And it means that the H-bean, unlike the Chi-bean, will keep getting better.

Any final thoughts? It's been a pleasure fighting with you.

From: Kim Janssen, City of the Broad Shoulders
To: Lisa Gray, Houston Strong

You know, it's a nice image you paint, especially once you airbrushed out all the McMansions. And I respect your acknowledgement that Houston has significant room to improve. I don't suppose that there are any fewer smart, kind, creative people in Houston than any place else. So everyone who wants to live in Houston deserves to do so. I really mean that.

I got into this hoping to score a luxury trip to Houston with all expenses paid out of the pocket of some local booster. It doesn't look like that's going to happen. But I am grateful for all the new enemies I made on Twitter, and all of the mean emails I got — even your temperate, good-natured ones. A handful of Houstonians even got that I was poking fun at our own desperate need for prominence.

As a certified hater, I thought I'd never find as chippy a city as Chicago. But the outpouring of bile from Houston has genuinely surprised me, and given me hope that you may one day amount to something worthy of our rivalry.

In the meantime, enjoy your bean, which is not as good as our bean, and never will be.

Kim Janssen (@kimjnews) is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.

Lisa Gray (@LisaGray_HouTX) is senior digital editor for the Houston Chronicle, and still dabbles in Gray Matters when she can.

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Dear Chicago: Houston's bean is better. And so is Houston.