Published by The American Bystander, March 2019
Hello fellow Black human. I know what you’re thinking, we’ve all been here one way or another. This spontaneous joke about the black experience is really funny, and you must share it with everyone. It
could possibly be about: Seasoning, Slavery, Police Brutality, or On-Beat Dancing. While checking off all the black friends you’re about to send this to, you come across this non-melenated acquaintance.
It’s Fiona from Finance.
The first question you should ask yourself before sharing this quip with your Caucasian Counterpart is:
How White Are They? Is it Tofu Tommy, the Mysterious White? Where their responses are so uncomfortable you keep HR on speed dial and have a secret closet just in case? Is it Turnip Tanya, the barely woke white? Where she skips the N word during rap songs but can’t stay on beat while doing so?
You must analyze the type of white. Not analyzing thoroughly could create awkward situations and you may end up in one of two conversations: A) Explaining that reverse racism does not exist, or B) Trying to close the awkward silence gap by bringing up a white favorite, John Mulaney. Another question that should be asked is How Black is This Joke? The woke-ness that certain jokes achieve might scare away Mayonnaise Mandy. Think about the severity, the texture. A three star woke joke might be a level four on their cringe scale.
A simple giggle that might not scare away your Cauliflower Companion is a tame tale about seasoning. Perhaps a meme that describes an unseasoned chicken with the subtitle: Bon appetite, and the caption: Classic White Dinner. It’s easy to understand, proven throughout history and might inspire Karen to take out the raisins and go to the seasoning rack to pick up some parsley.
Jokes that might wring out a complex cackle might be:
- Your white friend proposing a cruise, and then replying with: “That’s what they said the last time.”
-Seeing a shirt that is 100% cotton and saying, I’m not picking this one.
- Going to the laundry with your sheets and asking your white friend to try them on to see if they’re clean enough.
To fellow Colored folk, this might be a knee-slapper. To our Pasty Pal, this might be met with blank stares, for their history was filled with genocide and civil disappointment. One must tread softly for they know “Fionas from Finance” always be snitchin’ to the supervisor; might create a revolution in the office. Something like: A Gluten-Free Taco Tuesday or Powdered Jerk Chicken Thursday.
A final sign: Trying to find out how much they utilize “Urban Dictionary”. If one uses Urban Dictionary more than five times a week to find out the usage of said slang, chances are they shouldn’t be using it. If they hear “Gang Gang Gang” and their first reaction is to duck their heads, maybe you shouldn’t send them this black joke. If you’re having a discussion about “edges” and they pull out a “Geometry Handbook”, not only do they not deserve edges, but they might be the type to try and touch your hair.
You don’t need that kind of energy, especially when you worked so hard on your twist out last night. If your Yogurt Yes-Man does not pass these tests, chances are you will be met with unfortunate circumstances. Send it to your other black friends, feel the joy from their reactions. White folk don’t need to feel this black joy all the time. Sometimes if they don’t pass the test, I send it to them anyway. Why? Because you don’t have to always laugh at the joke, at times you just need it to drag them. If they’ll be prospering from the system their ancestors put in place for centuries, nothing is wrong with making the Jacuzzi a bit too hot.