Illustration of "Dear Deidre After Dark" text with hands pulling back a curtain.

DEAR DEIDRE: EVERYTHING was going brilliantly with the last two men I dated but their bedroom kink left me gagging.

I chatted to both men, six months apart, for a couple of weeks, and enjoyed our dates.

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I’m not one to jump straight into bed but after three or four in person meetings, once I was satisfied that we had real chemistry and plenty in common, the first guy and I ended up in bed.

He was attentive, great looking and a really good lover, just like the second bloke, until he did something that made me squirm inside. He spat on me during sex.

The first guy asked me at least, and I falteringly agreed to him doing it on my stomach, then when he asked if he could spit in my mouth I refused.

Needless to say I made excuses the next time he asked to meet up.

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Fine if you are into that, and I know a lot of people are, but it’s not my thing.

So when the second bloke didn’t even ask, I was almost mute with shock.

He started spitting on me down below, which I tolerated thinking it was more about foreplay and lubrication, but then he kept doing it – even in my face.

That was when I told him to stop. I couldn’t help myself and blurted out that it was disgusting and vile.

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I really didn’t know what to do so I gathered my clothes and got out of there as quickly as I could.

Am I simply unlucky that both these men were into the same thing? How can men, who seem so great, suddenly turn and assume it’s okay to treat their partner like this?

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DEIDRE SAYS: Spitting has become commonplace in porn, just like choking, slapping and anal sex. The effect this has had on people’s expectations of sex can’t be underestimated.

Now instead of these practices being considered niche or an extreme, they have become for many the mainstream.

There was even a TikTok trend where influencers mouthed ‘oh spit in my mouth, spit in my mouth – that’s… nasty’ only to then show a picture of someone they deemed incredibly attractive.

Spitting in your partner’s mouth during intercourse is traditionally a BDSM practice – the dominant spits into the submissive’s mouth.

But as any experienced BDSM devotee will tell you, consent is essential in their community.

You were understandably put off by being spat on, and while some might argue I’m kink shaming, I’d say, no kink is for everyone and seeking consent is a fundamental.

Take some time out for yourself and perhaps it’s worth staying away from the dating apps for a while. Focus on friendships in the real world where mutual respect is more likely.

Next time you meet someone you like and want to become intimate with, set out your stall. Outline your limits clearly them to do the same.

No one should ever be expected to participate in any sexual activity that makes them feel uncomfortable.

My support pack Kinky Sex Worries has more information.

Dear Deidre’s Fetish Files

From mismatched desires to sexual boundaries pushed too far, kink-related dilemmas regularly feature in Deidre’s inbox.

One woman wrote in after discovering her boyfriend’s extreme fetish, unsure whether it was harmless fantasy or something darker.

PORN AND DEGRADING BEHAVIOUR

Pornography has become more accessible than ever, but the kind of content viewers consume has also shifted.

Increasingly, mainstream sites promote clips that normalise aggression, humiliation and power imbalance, often targeted at women.

What begins as casual viewing can, for some, escalate into seeking out more extreme or violent material, blurring the line between fantasy and abuse.

UK STATS

Around 75 per cent of British men said they had watched pornography, compared with 53 per cent of women.
Nearly one in five UK adults who view porn say the content they watch has become more aggressive or extreme over time.
As many as 27 per cent of people report watching porn more often than they used to.
Among UK teenagers aged 14–18, 22 per cent say they watch porn regularly, with 10 per cent describing it as a habit they struggle to control.

Ask me and my counsellors anything

Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.

Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.

Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.

Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.

The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:

Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.

Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.

Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.

Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.

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The last two men I dated seemed perfect until their extremee bedroom kinks left me repulsed – am I just u...