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Y'all know we wanna get our thoughts out on season three.

No one is good enough for our family - we’ll just have to be with each other… Image: HBO.

So, a few of you have been asking about my

I’ll be honest: I don’t have insightful, spiritual clues, I didn’t get a lot of the hidden meanings, and I needed the internet to tell me about all the deep and mysterious layers. I was watching this show on full face value, and so that’s what my review is - act like you’re watching Gogglebox, not David & Margaret. Basically, lower your expectations, and we can talk shop about whether all our burning questions were answered.

First up - who liked the season finale? As in, you weren’t happy (that would be weird, #RIP Chels) but you were satisfied?

Were you satisfied with The White Lotus season 3 finale?

Me personally, I was so excited for Thai Boxing, One Night Only The Big Finale Night. I invited people over for a watch party, threatened to cook Thai, then said actually we would buy Thai, and then at the eleventh hour panicked that I’m mid-30s and if you invite people over for dinner, you buy make dinner, so put some ready-made lasagnes and pizzas in the oven. (I mean, I still BAKED it myself. I don’t really cook. I just don't think, at this age, I'm meant to live an uncomfortable life.)

Although no one followed my instructions to BYO lorazepam, we put on facemasks, poured the wine and settled in, me nervously conscious that my ‘OH MY GOSH REWIND! REWIND!’ comments may not be welcome with outside company.

So, here’s what I thought was good, and perhaps not so good:

We almost got shot, but brb, gotta put on my Valentino and straighten my hair for the boat ride home! Khop Khun Ka! Image: HBO.

The three blonde blobs - the good

Thank you to reader Marissa for given me the term ‘blobs’ to explain the toxic af trio that I also salivated over.

I know some viewers were disappointed that Laurie didn’t have her comeuppance over her friends. As tensions rose over the season, I told everyone that I was a Laurie Stan, and would proudly have acted just as passive-aggressively as her (without climbing out the window of a Russian criminal’s squalid flat, perhaps. Maybe. Unsure).

But I actually found her monologue deeply moving, and to me, it felt as though on the last day, the three of them dropped their guard somewhat (well, Jaclyn and Laurie did) and when they got real, underneath the façade, they did care, and had been through all the shit life had thrown at them together. They weren’t perfect friends, but they grew and it had depth as to how we view our mistakes, our friendships and our purpose.

The three blonde blobs - the bad

The unanswered questions. Like… Laurie saw the loot of jewellery in the Russian’s house (admittedly, I didn’t notice this at the time, the internet told me) and did… nothing about it? Are we all just cool with Jaclyn cheating on her husband? WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH VICTORIA RATLIFF NOT RECOGNISING A BLOB FROM THE BABY SHOWER I WAS LIVING FOR THAT STORY?! We NEEDED a resolution, surely not just a red herring?! How many question marks and exclamation points are allowed in a row without looking unhinged??!!

Also, the fact that they literally just… sailed into the sunset after witnessing a mass shooting, but clearly had time to change their outfits and have a mimosa? How sociopathic ARE they?

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The Ratliffs - the good

I see watcha did there (kinda.) Image: HBO.

Saxon

At first, after fighting over culture wars, Blake vs. Justin, politics and if a dress was blue or gold, the internet came together in a moment of perfect harmony: we all f*cking hated Saxon Ratliff. It was nice. Calming. We were excited for him to be k*lled off with a one-fingered salute to him and his blender. But then, somewhere toward the end of the season, we watched his soul grow. It was magnificent acting, and the fact that he made us actually feel sorry for him was some serious character growth not seen since Sam Wood chose the single mum on The Bachelor AU season three.

By the end, I was very proud of myself for realising the trio of siblings had changed the whole ‘see no, hear no, speak no’ monkey thing - Saxon was now the one seeking spiritual enlightenment, Piper had realised eating organic in a mansion was more her calling, and Lochy, well… didn’t die? Someone get the kid an IV.

Piperrrr, no!

Couldn’t resist. In perhaps my favourite moment of the entire season, Mommy Ratliff’s delight at her daughter being as superficial as she wanted her to be was as delicious as it was a poignant reflection of what I’d call Insta-activism. Like, it’s all good to read a book and share a social media post, but bitch doesn’t want to actually, like, be like them in their, like… poor people conditions that Mommy Ratliff knew were ‘grim’ as f*ck.

The Ratliffs - the bad

Timothy

Who knew this was the dad’s name? We collectively have just been calling him ‘the dad,’ yeah? Anyway, he was a jerk who we slowly felt sorry for (I did get teary when he thought he killed Lochlan), but there was a lot of pussyfooting about just spun out on the lorazepam. We needed something else to fill in Daddy Ratliff’s time. Like, Victoria to find out he stole the pills. The family to realise he lost the money. Was glad he came to his senses and didn’t decide to like, m*rder his entire f*cking family (guess we’ll just… gloss over that, then?) but leaving the poison in the blender was BATSH*T and we needed more.

Lochlan

Ugh, what a creep. I don’t care that he wanted to be liked, no one wants to be liked by their big bro so much that they’ll jerk them off just to please them. I thought I was sooo clever when we thought he was gone, but then SNAP they caught us. But then there’s like… no ambulance? No drip? No investigation as to what happens, we’re just back on a boat? A boat would surely be your worst nightmare after a drug-fuelled night of incest, spending the night at a monastery and almost dying? Or I am just too soft, guys?

Victoria

Mother, my queen, my grace. Obviously the worst person alive, but my icon got her dream - Piper did not move to Taiwan, there was no tsunaaami, and Jesus saved her daughter from the buddhists. As mentioned, we’re upset we didn’t get her epilogue - what was the deal with the blob? How does she react to being poor? (I mean, just watch Schitt’s Creek, I guess). Does she get back on the lorazepam, or just drink herself to sleep every night? WE NEED ANSWERS.

Mook and Gaitok - all bad

Mook sucked, Gaitok deserved better and you can’t change my mind. Image: HBO.

To be honest team, I didn’t rate this storyline. I felt Mook SUCKED. Like, she’s some big star in real life, so I definitely thought she was gonna die, or be part of the criminal gang.

In the end, she was more used as an arc to show Gaitok slip into choosing his ego over his beliefs, but I didn’t rate her. All she did was tell Gaitok he needed to be better, get a better job, be more manly. Like girl, what you bring to the table? And Gaitok - worst body guard ever. And that’s okay hun, we can’t win them all. I’m never gonna cook at Wolfgang Puck or reach the overhead cabin storage on a plane and be a flight attendant. Dream smaller. Water the plants there, or be a concierge.

Basically, this whole storyline - cut.

Chelsea and Rick - the good

Just a cute FYI that if you thought these two were Couple Goals, you need therapy. Image: HBO.

While I was devastated at Chelsea’s death, many of you didn’t seem surprised. I thought for sure it was a Ratliff #IncestBro (please, don’t make that hashtag trend) and Mook, but there were her premonitions - bad things in threes (side note - if I’m held at gunpoint in a hotel, you better bet I’m not paying the bill), something about her necklace (?), and the minute Rick finally said they’d be together forever. But there was something darkly poetic about it, that it was somehow fated to always end badly, her open heart for his darkened spirit. She said it was her love and his fear, one would win, and it did.

Also - unrelated - we are all here for the spin-off following oNe NiGhT iN BangKoK feat. Rick and Frank, are we not?

Can I put this insane monologue in the same PTSD department as lockdown, the HIMYM finale and Joey choosing Pacey? Image: HBO.

Chelsea and Rick - the bad

I’m deeply concerned about the internet frothing this relationship. Like, pretty sure all he ever said to her was that she was an idiot, annoying, and a gold digger. All she got was a measly ‘That’s the plan’ about staying together and like, I’m expected to swoon? To quote the great Cher Horowitz, I don’t think so!

While part of us felt for Rick, his selfishness and ideocracy took centre stage. Like, you can’t just casually threaten the owner of a hotel, then go BACK to said hotel for breakfast and a morning swim. Get outta there! Why didn’t he push for more (figuratively, and literally) about his daddy’s death when he had the chance? Why didn’t he just stay with Frank and his batsh*t monologues for some morning ice in a pipe and sunrise hooker session? If he had, none of this would have happened.

Make better choices, Rick.

Gary/Greg and Chloe - all bad

Parents who have sex will never be the same. Image: HBO.

While I loved the surprise of this asshole’s appearance, why did we need to know about his revolting sex dreams? And why is his creepy sex pest girlfriend so into incest fantasies across the board? Like… say less.

Also, why does he have a young girlfriend when in season two, we found out guys were more his bag? Why didn’t he just off Belinda? (As in, glad he didn’t, but surely would have been cheaper/more convenient/less of a liability?) I have a feeling this storyline isn’t over.

We’ll be back for you, Gary/Greg.

The staff - the good

Sorry, but you’re never gonna be Armund. Image: HBO.

Look, we were all here for a bit of Pam, am I right? She brought a bit of Aussie (or Kiwi? Same same but different) realness to the show, and I liked watching her relaxed attitude juxtaposed against the Ratliffs and other wealthy sociopathic guests.

Valentin was also an interesting character. While I thought he was a full blown d*ck for sleeping with Jaclyn over Laurie (who definitely got second prize when she accidentally slept with a dude who confused her with an ATM machine), he did have depth. The scene where he pleaded with Gaitok not to sentence him to death in his home country gave me the feels, even if other people felt the robbery just ‘went away.’ It didn’t - Gaitok actively chose to save him.

The staff - The bad

I’ve already made my feelings about the insufferable Mook known, but team, how much of a let down was the hotel manager this season? Just some sap with a wet fish handshake banging on about wanting to sing a solo that went nowhere. Like, you can’t just give us the greatest hotel manager since Basil Fawlty in season one, only to give us a whispering German who was more slippery than me after two sips of a Full Moon cocktail bucket in Koh Pha Ngan.

Hit the road.

Belinda and Zion - all good

The only one whose actions I was entirely here for. Yass Queen and your hot son! Image: HBO.

F*ck yes, team. At first, Belinda’s storyline kinda bored me, just shuffling around getting the odd bang various massages (#fomo). But once she and Gary/Greg figured each other out, it was ON like two Ratliff brothers in a hotel room.

For the last few eps, I was SEETHING at the audacity of her High Moral Ground. Bitch, Tanya treated you like GARBAGE. My fellow internet viewers seemed to feel she owed it to Tanya not to take the money, but team, you are confused by your love for Jennifer Coolidge (warranted), not the awful, horrible character she played, Tanya McQuoid.

But for Belinda, there was no comeuppance here. There was no glorious storyline of like, Interpol coming for Gary/Greg. It was the money, or he gonna k*ll you. What you choose? I kept thinking, ask for a million. And then her insanely hot son comes in and blows us out of the water with the five million and it was like yes hun, take us to the bank!

I gathered that the idea of her letting down the dude she slept with was meant to be a full-circle moment, like what Tanya did to her in season one, but reader - I felt exactly nothing. Like, you shtooped once. She made no promises. Lady is taking her hot son and a private yacht and she is OUT.

Overall

In the end, we had characters who turned from bad to good (Timothy, Saxon, Jaclyn -kinda) and good to ‘bad’ (Belinda, Piper, Gaitok).

We had questions of faith, in religion, life and love (Chelsea, Piper, Gaitok, Laurie).

Choices needed to be made - the path of righteousness, or path of least resistance (Belinda, Chloe, Piper, Gaitok).

And there were those that seemingly learned nothing (Rick, Victoria - well, that’s not true. By the end she seemed to figure out she was in Thailand, not Taiwan).

isn’t just a murder mystery, the interest lies in the character development, the slow burns, studying how every handbag and seating position and piece of jewellery may have meaning.

It wasn’t a perfect season, but I loved sharing it with everyone - outside of sport, we don’t get many water cooler TV moments any more, and chatting, sleuthing, messaging and meme-ing with many of you was part of the fun.

The was a tsuuu-naaa-mi of a show, and I loved it. Bring on season four.

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A delayed reaction to The White Lotus finale