I Work Out to Feel Strong, Not Lose Weight

Society prioritizes an unattainable vision of how women’s bodies should look.

When the world shut down, I mastered the art of the home workout.

I had started going to the gym on a semi-regular basis before the pandemic, but only fully committed to a fitness routine during lockdown. I remember huffing and puffing when I did my first workout and seeing my red, sweaty face in the mirror. My entire body ached for days and I could barely get through a ten-minute Youtube workout video.

I felt so good after I finished exercising though. I noticed I was happier, refreshed, and focused. So I decided to stick with it. After a few months, I noticed that I was breezing through the exercises I used to struggle with. I could lift a jug of milk from a grocery store fridge with one hand instead of gripping it with two.

I felt strong and radiant. I was proud that I had found a fitness routine that worked for me.

Of course, people around me started to take notice. I received multiple comments from friends and family about how I had lost so much weight.

These comments were meant to be compliments, as I had achieved what many people aspire to do when they commit to a fitness routine. But I couldn’t help but feel that was all I was being complimented on. It didn’t matter that I was looking healthier or feeling stronger. All they cared about was that I had shed a few pounds.

The more I received this compliment, the more perplexed I became. What if someone followed a religious diet and exercise regimen but didn’t lose weight? Would they still be validated in their accomplishments, in the progression of their fitness level? Would they still be celebrated if they built muscle instead of shedding fat?

Anybody who self-identifies as a woman is all too aware of the painful and constant scrutiny that is put on women’s bodies. We’re too fat, too skinny, too bulky, too scrawny. No matter what we do or eat, we’re never enough for society’s impossible standards.

My dear friend

Preeti Ramachandran

wrote a searing personal essay about her relationship with food that I’m sure hit home for many women reading it. She is open about the triggers in her life that led her to turn to food and how she was trained to associate certain foods with shame. Please give it a read, if you haven’t already.

After Being Fat Forever, Finally Knowing Why Has Helped My Body Image

Fat=bad. Thin=good. The world presents it to us like it’s black and white, like there are no nuances to the multifaceted shapes that women’s bodies take.

I spent so much of my life scrutinizing the parts of my body that didn’t make me feel good — the jiggliness of my thighs, the awkward breadth of my shoulders, my protruding stomach. I would be envious of the model on TV who would strut around in a bikini, her abs as flat as a board.

But human bodies are breathtakingly beautiful things. That same body that I wake up in every day allows me to laugh until my stomach hurts, embrace the people I love, run and catch the view of the last rays of sunset.

My body is a vessel of the love I give out to this world. It should be celebrated for all it has done, and all it continues to do.

When I began my fitness journey, my main motivation for doing so was to lose weight. But when I realized how happy working out and exercising made me feel, that goal quickly faded into the background. Once I found the activities that gave me joy, following a fitness routine didn’t feel like a chore.

The world can’t even fathom that a woman could embark on a fitness journey without a weight loss goal. It can’t comprehend that the endorphins that run through my veins and boost my mood are the reasons why I go back to that kickboxing class.

I’m not aiming to fit into a size two dress. I want to grow stronger and run for longer distances before I’m out of breath. I want to push myself to do physical activities I never would’ve dreamed of doing five years ago. I want to fully grow into my own strength.

I want to live. The world and its misogyny can’t stop me.

More from me:

The Illusion of “Having It All Together”

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