Letting go was hard until the day water forced me to do it.
Almost drowning was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.
The water gushed around me, creating a cacophony of waves that circled me like vultures. I never learned to swim, so my arms flailed around me uselessly, like they’d never held an object before.
But the worst part was the blackness that clouded my vision as I tried to fight to the surface. I relinquished all control and surrendered myself to the abyss.
No matter how much I flailed or tried to come to the surface, I was forced back underwater.
The silence when I was under was the loudest silence I had ever heard. The gurgles of air that escaped my lips were a desperate cry that ricocheted into a void.
I never learned how to swim. As a kid, I had terrible eczema that only worsened when my skin came into contact with chlorine, so I never learned.
Did that stop me from going to the deep end of the pool that day, though, gripping onto the edges with my fingers for dear life? Clearly not.
I want to say that I make solid decisions most of the time, but that was a disaster waiting to happen. Thankfully, a friend noticed my flailing in the water and jumped in the pool to pull me back up.
Looking back, what terrified me the most was my absolute lack of control over my body.
I am a planner in every aspect of my life. If I have dinner plans with a friend, I call the restaurant to ensure we have a reservation. I schedule every meeting or event in my calendar with rigour. The reminders app on my phone consists of several to-do lists.
Spontaneity irritates me. Why jump into last-minute plans with no safety net?
But, I didn’t realize how embedded my need for control was until it was forcefully taken away from me. No matter how much I tried to take control of the situation, the waves in the water got its way instead.
I remember being in the car with a friend, and we were having a conversation about their sister, who was also a planner. She even planned when she would get engaged to her boyfriend, who she had just moved in with.
Well, fast forward a few months, and she did get engaged to him within that timeline (probably due to some prompting on her part). Cue the wedding planning over minute details: decor, dresses, venue, the whole shebang.
While I empathized with my friend’s sister’s need to plan anything and everything around her, I noticed that one thing did allow me to let go of that need for control once in awhile. It was my Christian faith and my relationship with God.
Because of my faith, I had to learn how to surrender my will to God’s will, to resign myself to a future unknown. It continues to be terrifying and the opposite of what I want to do, but I practice surrendering my day to God as much as possible.
Psalm 107:29–30 (NIV) in the Bible says,
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
These verses made me think of that time I almost drowned. When the waves roared in my ears and I wanted nothing more than a sense of safety and stillness.
When there are no waves in a body of water, it is tranquil and beautiful. There is no reason to fear it. But waves can come out of nowhere and take you for a ride with such force.
Those waves are as much a part of the water as its tranquility and stillness. Just like you can’t get a rainbow without the rain, you can’t get peace without the waves.
Apart from being a harsh reminder that I needed to take swimming lessons, almost drowning made me realize I was a control freak. I don’t think there is any experience like being utterly helpless in a body of water.
But I’m doing my best to try and let go.