April 09, 2019

Article at respectnews.ca

If we were the King of Alberta


We promised you, dear readers, that we would leave provincial election coverage to other newspapers. We have made our pages available for parties to buy ads, but since we publish only every two weeks, we felt we couldn’t do justice to campaign coverage.

And our promise is golden. Please read your community weekly for stories and analysis of the election process.

But readers have asked us where we stand on the pressing issues of the day. Read on for examples of policy options we would adopt if we could be free of consequence or responsibility.

If we—the Royal We—were the Merry and Benevolent King of all the Albertans, we would issue a decree that any storefront with double doors will be required by law to unlock both sides.

We hate it when we pull on the wrong door. How much effort would it take merchants to have both doors open? And so it shall be the law.

If a shop owner fails to comply, the good citizens will be directed to glare at them with scorn until they do the right thing. If the problem persists, we will revoke their birthday privileges.

As you can see, we’re serious about this.

As King, we would outlaw stickers on fruit. This menace has plagued our land for decades now, ever since somebody decided that MacIntosh and Red Delicious was not an adequate selection of apple varieties. Customers will be expected to know what kind of apples they are buying and report that information, dutifully and honestly, to the supermarket cashier.

We will also take a hard look at that pink printing on egg shells. Something about that bugs us. We will consult with farmers and chickens before proceeding with this.

We would restore passenger rail to Western Canada, simply because trains are fun. Everybody else gets to ride trains, and so shall our dear subjects. And when we travel (the Royal We), we will receive visitors in our Royal Coach every day for two hours before dinner is served. Please feel welcome.

On a recent visit to England, we were impressed to see how well traffic moved on the left side of the road. We would at long last implement the Rhinoceros Party policy of 1980, calling for Canadians to start driving on the left.

This is more difficult than it might seem. And so, to avoid confusion, we would phase it in—trucks and buses first, cars and motorcycles over the course of a year.

Alas, I will never be your King, and so we are stuck with what we have—a system of electing our representatives, asking hard questions of governments and opposition parties, and making choices for ourselves.

And for the foreseeable future, all our fruit will have stupid little stickers on it.